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Not many people are aware of this, but Penfield is the last bastion of liberalism in New York state, the apex of critical thought, and the center of artistic and creative culture.   Artists and freethinkers travel here from all over the world to engage with each other, sharing ideas, collaborating on creative projects, and enjoying the acceptance and warmth of the open minded citizens of this beautiful community.   

Farmer's markets overflow with the abundance of their labors, children laugh and sing as they skip to school, pleasant shopkeepers welcome you, and the friendly police are happy to serve.  Courteous drivers, sensitive landlords, and friendly neighbors.  Penfield is the home to The Anathema Foundation, The Pink Plastic Flamingo Sanctuary, The Anchovy Association, Gambino Enterprises, The World's Greatest Roadside Attraction, The Sisters of the Reluctant Messiah, and, of course, acme industries.  Mayor Merle Brezianu serves the citizens with empathy, treating their concerns with fairness and cheerfulness as he strolls through the town daily, keeping in touch with the public at every opportunity.  

Penfield is truly a utopian shining city on the hill.   

here are some, but not all, of the great people of penfield that you'll get acquainted with while watching our videos...

 

 

Okay, so stepping back to 1795, a businessman and slaveowner named Daniel Penfield leaves New York City to avoid being pummeled for some shady dealings, buys some land from the village of Perinton, and with money withheld from his creditors downstate,  opens the first of a series of mills. This was the beginning of two historic events. The founding of the town of Penfield, and the establishment of acme industries.

In 1799 Daniel opened a tavern, gone today, but located on the spot where the world's greatest roadside attraction stands now, 2180 Penfield Rd.  His tavern became the center of all of his business and social activities.  All this time spent around barrels of whiskey was bound to take its toll.  Needless to say, Daniel became a drunkard, and his decision-making became faulty, to say the least. For example, when the Erie Canal was being proposed, Daniel got so drunk he blacked out and neglected to pay a promised bribe to the members of the Canal Planning Commission. So as a result, when the canal finally was dug and opened it passed three miles south of the town, and Penfield had no port on what was to become one of the major waterways of the 19th century.

Prior to that bit of genius, Daniel's company forged cannon for the French invasion of Russia, and received no payment.  Mainly because the artillery was defective.  

Two years later he delivered whiskey to local Indians, who rather than pay his outrageous price burned down several of his factory buildings.  And because the chief thought Daniel was such a raging asshole, as a bonus the chief kidnapped his wife, making her his personal slave.  Coming out of one of his frequent blackouts days later, he learned of this tragedy from his slave Jacob.   Being his habit, Daniel beat Jacob so severely for bringing bad news, that the poor man spent weeks in be recovering.  But, because of this beating Daniel received a letter of commendation from the governor of South Carolina.  In the meantime Daniel formed and armed a militia of Penfield citizens,  hired a deranged veteran of the War of 1812 to train his little army, and planned his revenge.

Pouring out of the woods one summer afternoon, Penfield's men attacked the Indian village, setting everything on fire, and shooting down every living thing including livestock.  A few prisoners were taken, tortured for effect, and then executed.  Daniel, having recovered his wife, some crappy pottery and a barrel of whiskey, named himself Field Marshall of Penfield.  He would parade himself around town in an ornate uniform of his own design, and issues orders to everyone he encountered.  The town folk of Penfield paid little attention to this self-minted martinet, and since he was pretty out of it most of the time, Daniel never noticed.  The people of the town went about their business, and in spite of his "leadership" managed to prosper.

In those few moments when he wasn't in an alcoholic stupor, Daniel would tinker on his inventions, none of which ever worked, and in his frustration would beat Jacob repeatedly, for which he received several accolades from even more southern governors.  His wife became more and more dissatisfied, and longed for days past when she was a slave to the Indians.  

One night while attempting to repair a steam engine in a shed behind his tavern, he caused a huge explosion, which destroyed the shed, his tavern, and the small convent belonging to the Sisters of the Reluctant Messiah, which was located across the road. In the confusion, his slaves ran away, taking his willing wife who had enough of his bullshit, his strongbox which held his entire fortune and the balance of the whiskey.

After recovering from his injuries and wanting to capture his wife but finding no support from the town's citizens, who had also had enough of his crap, and having no slaves to beat, Daniel packed his remaining belongings on his mule, and trudged off to find a new home.  Wandering alone along the shore of Lake Ontario Daniel lost his way in a blizzard and froze to death.  His mule was rescued by local fishermen and lived a long pampered life as a family pet named Monroe until he was eaten during the famine of 1829, but that's another story.

Upon learning of her husband's demise, his wife Amber, returned to Penfield, officially freed Daniel's slaves, married Jacob, and reorganized acme industries, which grew into the giant conglomerate it is today.  

The rest is history.


 


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